Coming to Terms with Mediocrity: A Very Funny Humor Book

"To anyone who is a book
lover & has a wicked sense of
humor I can HIGHLY
recommend this book."

Funny Quotes from Mediocre People:

That’s not limburger. That’s a month and a half old. –Kay
I never really had PMS. I was always a bitch. –Mom
On Forrest Gump: That movie kicked buttocks. –Brian
Life is short; we should all be as lazy as possible. –Angela
Hunger sucks. That’s why all starving children should be shot.

–

Chaos

This is America, dammit! Speak Spanish! –Greg
You pretend you’re a mailbox. I’ll pretend I’m a redneck. –Greg
Why don’t worms just sleep in? –Kari
I’m too lazy to be a stand-up comedian. –Kari
The next time I find out I’m somebody’s only friend, I’m running like
hell. –Kari

I’d believe Wesley Snipes was half a vampire before I’d believe he
was half an actor. –Greg
Just remember, don’t fart and belch at the same time or you’ll
implode and turn into a black hole. –Jerry
You know what bugs me about candy? What the fuck is nougat?

–

Kevin

Life: A blind man leading you by the balls. –Tim
I’d dig up the pot of gold, but I don’t have enough money to buy a
shovel. –Kari
If you sell your soul, does the government tax you for it? –Kari
It took me a long time, but I finally realized the pointlessness of
picking the cat hair out of the cat food. –Kari
Make an honest woman out of me? Hell, I’m honest. I honestly had
sex before I was married. –Kari
It’s uncanny how different they are. –Kari
Can you prophesize the obvious? –Kari

Why don’t pineapples grow on pine trees? –Kari
I wouldn't know my own name if somebody put a ticket on my
forehead. –Old Bag at the Pizza Café
I'm a guy... Dick jokes is my business. –William
If any guy comes up to you and says, “I want you to make me
happy,” you just say, “Fuck off buddy, that’s not my job.” –Mom
One day I will look back on these pictures and say, “Look, this is
when I was black and white.” –Brian
You don’t buy somebody a gift horse without looking in its mouth.

–

Rich

I may be gulligible, but I’m not stupid. –Gene
Women, for some reason, are tight-assed about farting. –Chaos
Are leprechauns the ones who spread leprosy? –Jerry
If you’re becoming an old maid, does that mean I’m becoming an
old butler? –Greg

Christianity is for those Jews who just really like bacon in the
morning. –Greg
I tried snorting coke once. I almost drown. –Jerry
Some people get a contact high. I get a contact short-term memory
loss. –Steve
The difference between driving and flying: When your car breaks
down, you’re stuck on the side of the road. When your airplane
breaks down, you’re stuck all over the road. –Angela & Kari
What I think is creepy is that the hairstyle from Planet of the Apes
came back... for humans. –Kari
The journey of a thousand miles starts with a really long plane ride.
–Kari
When the media starts calling you by all three of your names, you
know you've done something really bad. –Kari
You know somethin’? I have an ingrown butthole. –Jerry
If I get burnt, I’m suing the sun. –Tim
It’s tough being indifferent. –Mark

It's just nice to be out in the fresh air. –Smoker Outside Cobb
Superior Court
Did you know that Bob Dylan is slowly dying, and while he's dying
his soul is leaking into Tom Petty? –Mary Beth
I own up to the fact that I’m a liar. –Gordon
I have multiple masturbation partners. –Anon
All men are amused by their own farts. You haven’t learned that
yet? –Rich
These foreigners are taking over the world! –Barton
Just because you saw me do it, doesn't mean I did it. –Chuck
Something I've always wondered... Is dyslexia spelled right? –Greg
I wonder if Bill Gates is looking for an heir. –Greg
We should call our band Tolerance because we put up with so
much shit all the time. –Jerry

I've never blacked out that I remember. –Tim
This is an emotional robbery. Please give me your full attention.
Thank you. Have a nice day. –Kari & Greg
What memory problem? –Kari
Do cats have inner voices that speak to them, “Meow meow meow
meow meow”? –Kari
You’re so poor the con artists give you money. –Kari
I wonder if there's such a thing as post-mortem depression. –Kari
Do you know why they call the congregation sheep? Because it’s
so easy to pull the wool over their eyes. –Kari
As far as I know, maggots are only dangerous to you if you’re dead.
Other than that, they’re really just interesting housekeepers. –Kari
I really want your soul, but I'll start with your butt. –Mustang
We’re both Libras, except I think her scales are permanently tilted.

–

Mom

Poo has its way of making its way into every aspect of life. That is
the Tao of Poo. –Brian
I will give my ten-percent tithe, and go to church on Sunday, maybe
to Applebee’s afterwards. Praise God! –Rich
Hey, what’s that in your mashed potatoes? I told you you should've
worn your bra. –Rob
If the Invisible Man went to the bathroom and came out with toilet
paper stuck to his foot, would you be able to see it? –Chaos
The way to have lots of energy: Do nothing! –Greg
Last night I had a dream about having insomnia. –Greg
Those new RX7s are so small you could fart and blow the windows
out. –Jerry
It sounds like a horror movie: The Belch that Took the Elevator.

–

Steve

I wonder if that’s why they say oatmeal is brain food, because they
put trivia questions on the little packages. –Dana
The icy hand of death just touched the back of my neck. No, wait,
that was Bob. –Kari

If it wasn't for gangster movies, I wouldn't know how to communicate
with people. –Kari
Why be different? –Kari
If thoughts hurt, only masochists would be geniuses. –Kari
Still waters run deep? Still waters don’t run at all. –Kari
I am not crazy... I am a butterfly! –Swamp Swimmer
That was an exclamation point, and I hope it’s not running down my
leg. –Mom
I've been practicing hypnotism, but I can’t get the little lightning
bolts to come out of my fingers. –Brian
I gotta unload in the commode. –Rich
Until you tell me what part of the egg the nog is from, I’m not drinkin'
that shit. –Barton
I don't know why they call it a nightstand, because it’s still there
during the day. –Chuck

Empty your pockets on the floor! No, I don’t want your money! I
want the lint! –Greg
I’ll shove your head so far down your throat, you’ll have to shove a
toothbrush up your ass to clean your teeth. –Jerry
He doesn't have a receding hairline. He has an a-ceding forehead.
–Kevin
“Honey, are you going to eat oranges today or what?”

“I’m not ignoring you.”

“What? Then what did I just say?”

“You said ‘

re you going to keep ignoring me or what?’”

–Kari &

Rich

Sometimes you need to go where no man has gone before, and
sometimes you just need to go to the bathroom. –Kari
If flames really licked, wouldn't they put themselves out? –Kari
If you are what you eat, wouldn't cows be grass? –Kari
How do you know opossums aren't playing coma? –Kari
You gotta chew it to poo it. –Kari
God may love you, but I couldn't care less about your sorry ass.

–

NickDamnit

On having gas: It feels like I’m pregnant, but I won’t get a tax break.
–Mom
Help! I lost all the feeling in my hair! –Brian
I'm psyched. I just got finished drinking a cup of cappuccino. I'm
ready to fuck somebody up. –Eric T
The only bigger waste of space than cemeteries is golf courses.

–

Chaos

Let’s put baby oil in the bathtub and pretend we’re greased pigs.

–

Greg

When your life’s a stage, you try to put on a good show. –Greg
I still think they aughtta call twins “wombmates”. –Greg
I wish there was some way you could know in advance when you
were going to be psychic. –Barton & Kevin
I have no apologies for you, sorry. –Kari
The key to doing anything well is confidence. That’s why I pretty
much suck at everything. –Kari

Women’s underwear is designed by men. Why do you think it all
unravels in the wash? Every time you put on a pair of underwear it
gets skimpier and skimpier. Even grandma ends up wearing a g-
string. –Kari
The bad thing about feeling good is you’re not allowed to wallow in
self-pity. –Kari
Crazy are the people that walk through my head. –Karla
She was trying to hang herself but couldn't kick the toilet over.

–

Mom

If I was an iridologist and I saw something in your eye, I would say,
“Hey, there’s something in your eye.” –Rich
We did not say they were UFO’s. We said they were unidentified
flying objects. –Angela
You can scratch somebody’s back, but you can’t rub their eyeball
for them. –Chuck
I figured out why Patti’s such a shit-mouth. She’s so anal retentive,
it’s gotta come out somewhere. –Greg
The reason why you've never seen my balls is you've never looked
around my ankles. –Jerry
You wouldn't know your ass from your elbow if one of them didn't
bend. –Tim

I would never insult you, asshole. –Kari
I don’t believe in Europe. I've never seen it, so it doesn't exist. –Kari
Emphatically maybe! –Kari
Why clutter up your house with stuff you don’t need? Shop here
and get absolutely nothing! And it’s absolutely free! –Kari
They sing about anything in Trinidad. You just shit hard enough,
and they sing about it. –Camille
I told you, you're not dead. I should know. I am the angel of the
dead. And you're not on the list. And I can't take you with me unless
you're on the list. –Azrael
You’re about as sneaky as an elephant in a peanut factory made
out of glass. –Rich
Who gave Fate keys to my apartment? –Chaos
I like playing mind games with the unarmed. –Greg
You’re so cuckoo you should live in a clock. –Jerry

I heard you with my own beady little ears. –Tim
The only other time I drank that much Jack Daniels, I threw up on a
Holiday Inn. –Kari
The shower is a great place to think up excuses for blowing off
work. –Kari
Just because I don’t like you doesn't mean you should take it
personally. –Kari
Being broke teaches you to live in the now, such as, “right now I am
broke”. –Kari
I didn't fall in love with a perfect woman. I fell in love with you. –Dan
I think I’m thinking much clearlier. –Brian
No man ever called it “just a little PMS.” –Rich
There’d be a lot less starvation in the world if we got rid of all the
hungry people. –Chaos
I've decided what I’m going to be when I grow up: Immature. –Greg

I've finally figured out what my problem is: I hate being alone, and I
hate everybody. –Greg
I eat turds. Not other people’s turds. Just my turds. Everyone else’s
turds taste like shit. –Wes
Brilliance is often mistaken for madness. I should know. People
often mistake me for a genius. –Kari
Immortality relieves stress. –Kari
You know what kind of sword a woman carries? A broad sword.

–

Kari

Instant karma... Like instant grits? –Dan
I need to learn how to vibrate. –Brian
I can’t wait till right now! –Eric T
God, give me the strength to not be a dick. –Chuck
Any friend of yours... can stay that way, cuz I don’t like him. –Jerry

The hair on his chest kinda jumps out like a used car salesman.

–

Tim

Darth McVader: “Aye, Luke, me boy, let’s go dun to the pub n talk
it oover a nice cold buttle a Jedi Lager.” –Kari
Do you see how invisible I am? –Kari
It’s hard waking up and finding out you’re sober. –Kari
It might be true, but it doesn't mean I have to believe it. –Kay
Bush is an awkward speaker, but Kerry looks like a haunted tree.

–

Brian

No matter how big your ego may get, I can still run it over with my
car. –Angela
Why procrastinate today? –Greg
You know I’m married… I showed you pieces of my wife earlier
today. –Jerry
The Traffic on Spaghetti Junction: It was just a big clusterfuck of
suckass. –Erin

How come nobody sings happy birthday to a newborn? –Kari
Why don’t you get your fat ass off your high horse before you kill
it? –Kari
Hey baby, nice steak. Bend over. –William
My dick has ADD. –Rich
Did he actually see Jehovah’s accident, or is he just providing the
alibi? –Chaos
My only problem with reality television is it just seems so fake.

–

Greg

Vote for Bush: He can’t fuck up much more than he has already.

–

Tim

I’m incredibly lazy. I work real hard at it. –Kari
I have plenty of original thoughts – they just all happen to be
someone else’s. –Kari
They put people in management positions that don’t even know
how to manage their own ass holes and toilet paper. –Mom

You know what they say about hobbits with big feet… –Rich
Good thing you bought that eye-defining pencil, because, before, I
couldn't tell where your eyeballs ended. –Chaos
You say tomato, I say mater. You say potato, I say tater. –Jerry
I gotta cut my hair, put on some mascara and go out and kill
somebody. –Jamie
I’m not crazy. The people in my head might be crazy, but I’m not
crazy. –Kari
My intuition is telling me that your intuition is wrong. –Kari
Life is a beach, and I live inland. –Mom
If I were a brain surgeon, I would walk around saying, “Come on, it’s
not rocket science!” –Rich
She’s a naval woman. Submarines, I think. Well, she said
something about going down. –Greg
My only train of thought has left the station. –Kevin

Squid pro quo, Agent Starfishling. –Kari
The cows are piggin’ out like horses! –Kari
That is a Godsend, that he doesn't wake up, I mean. Just think,
you can fart as long, loud, and hard as you want. Then, if, per
chance, he does wake up and says, “Jesus, what’s that smell?” you
can put the blame on him. –Mom
I wonder how many apples it would take to make a decent glass of
orange juice. –Eric T
You know what I’ve always wondered? Why do people go to
restaurants that say “home cooking”? –Greg
Don’t get the runs, cuz if you fall down and skin your knees, you’re
gonna be joggin’. –Tim
If you’d get off your high horse, we would see eye to eye. –Kari
Have you ever tried talking to someone without noticing they’re
rubbing their balls? My new meditation is going to be, “I see Harold
rubbing his nose instead of his balls. I see Harold rubbing his nose
instead of his balls. I will not judge Harold when he rubs his balls.”

–

Mom

Electricity was invented by lightning. –Angela
My ass must be hungry. It’s been eating my underwear all day. –Kari

I could almost believe the whole government conspiracy, except I
don’t think they could organize anything. –Greg
If I’m forgetful, I’m not aware of it. –Kari
I can’t slow down! I've got the ice cream man breathing down my
neck! –Kari
Pain hurts. –Dad
Rare form? I wouldn't say rare form. I'd say it's rare when I do show
form. –Chaos
I don’t got an inflatable woman. I got an inflatable sheep, dammit.

–

Jerry

Life kinda snuck up behind me and gave me a huge wedgie. –Kari
What do you call an ape who wins the lottery? A gorrilionaire. –Kari
You know what I would do if Freddy Kruger ever came up to me? I
would put a gun to his head and make him pick his nose. –Jim
On Jello Biafra: Capitalism sucks, man. Buy my CD and find out
why. –Chaos

You don’t look like you’re dancing. You look like you’re having a
rhythmic seizure. –Kevin
My underwear has been abducted by my ass! –Kari
You ever given CPR to someone with lungs full of soap? It looks
pretty stupid. –Brian
One man can’t push a dead horse. –Chuck
Me: Hello?

Mom: Ha, you are on the net but I don't know what you are saying.

Me: Huh?

Mom: Got a small box that popped up on my screen. Said “Kari:

Hello?” Is this something new?

Me: It's the chat box, so we can chat with each other.

Mom: Oh, so google doesn't know about phones?

First, I’d like to thank God for making me an atheist. –Kari
I been in jail, baby. I did soft time. –Brian
The problem with health food is it’s just not greasy enough. –Greg
That’s the bad thing about Tarot cards.... They may tell your
fortune, but they don’t come in a cookie. –Kari
When someone has anal sex with a woman, is it appropriate to say,
“Take it like a man”? –Brian

I need a little variety in life. Could you change the message on your
answering machine? –Greg
I hate it when I have something on my tongue, so I reach up to
pluck it off, only to deposit a whole bunch of somethings on my
tongue. –Kari
I love crappy old pants that you can wear like they’re napkins. –Rich
Damn, I reached down to scratch my foot, and I wound up naked.

–

Jerry

Isn't it ironic that cows are vegetarians? –Kari
Keeping a nice lawn is like dating a model. She looks good, but she
takes a lot of work and a too much money. –Rich
You should put in a Japanese garden. That way you won’t have
those costly repair bills. –Kevin
The elephant has been truncated. –Kari
What if God’s an atheist? –Eric H
If life was a stage, I’d be stuck in a tuba. –Tim

One good mind fuck deserves another. –Angela
The hurricane grabbed me by the throat, so I shot it. –Kari
On virgin sacrifices: “Quick! Fuck me, or they'll kill you!” –Chaos
The thing is, I already spent the compliments you gave me, so you
can’t take them back. –Kari
Maybe I should just give my affections to Goodwill. Nobody else
wants them. –Chaos
I don’t think a turkey would really say, “Gobble, gobble, gobble,
gobble, gobble.” That’s like saying, “Eat me” to a cannibal. –Kari
What we need is hot psychic sex lines. –Chuck
It’s not insomnia if you don’t care. –Kari
You don’t have to agree with me, but you've got to admit I’m right.

–

Kari

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